The first time I ever did Pin-Up, I didn’t really want to be there. I thought it would make a nice gift for my husband, but honestly I wasn’t feeling up for it. I brought mostly things that I could use to hide my body. I was ashamed of myself and the heaviest I had ever been. My husband and I had been trying for a baby for a while, and I got pregnant only to miscarry some months later. Something in me kinda snapped, and I had a hard time coping. I spent most days in my pajamas. I really just no longer cared about myself.
When I got to the place, I pretty much admitted that I didn’t want to show anything off. I laid my cards on the table straight off and just wanted to get the whole deal over with. Then Nicole started working her magic with the makeup, and when I saw the girl staring back at me in the mirror, it wasn’t the same girl that came through the door. This girl was HOT! I put on an outfit and let Kristina start shooting. I felt myself relax, and by the end of it, I was still in fish nets, and the pants I brought to hide my legs were still in my bag. I still didn’t think I would look great in photos, but I felt empowered. I felt so sexy that I went home and told my husband that we needed to go out because it would be a shame to waste my beautiful hair and makeup. By the next day, the photographer posted a teaser picture on her Facebook page of my shoot. I could hardly believe that it was me!
Something about these pictures made me see myself in a different light. When I saw myself, I didn’t see the depressed, fat girl that I thought I was. I saw someone who was hot, who totally owned it. I saw a beautiful woman that I wanted to be.
The next few months that followed were stressful. I ended up almost closing my business. I got pregnant again, only to lose that pregnancy too. However, I started caring about myself again. I started eating better. I started exercising. It helped me cope with the bad things that were going on. I changed my wardrobe. I started wearing things because I wanted to wear them, not because I thought it would cover my “flaws.” Not only did I wear shorts in public, I wore short shorts. I got cute rockabilly dresses. I bought form-fitting shirts. I went on dates with my husband. I did another pin-up shoot. It was a mother-daughter theme. The designer of the dresses I wore for the shoot liked my photos. He used me as his cover model for his Facebook page. It made me feel super-awesome. Plus I got a free dress out of it, which was also cool.
I still have my flaws. Currently, I am still trying to work on my post-baby body as I had a baby at the end of last summer. I may never lose all the weight I have wanted to lose. I eat right. I exercise. I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be skinny. However, I love myself. I have my moments where I am hard on myself, but when I look in the mirror, I can always find something I love. I dress for myself these days and not for what I think society thinks I should dress like because in the end it doesn’t matter what society thinks of me. I am the one who has to live with myself, and I want to like me as I am. If I can’t like me right now, it won’t matter if I ever get to be that “perfect” size. I still won’t be happy.
I think as women we are all hard on ourselves and each other. We need to love ourselves as we are. We need to take care of ourselves, and we need to make peace with ourselves too.
What do you do to make yourself feel good and to give yourself confidence?