Sometimes, I feel like I am not in control of my own life, and it makes me mad. I set goals for myself and have a plan of what life should be, and then it derails somewhere along the way. I feel like I have no control over what is going to happen, and instead of going with it, I am more often than not angry about what could have been.
Fourteen years ago, I had big plans for my life. I was so close to graduating college that I could taste the victory pierogi (a yummy polish dumpling)…since I was planning on leaving the country after graduation to attend grad school in Poland. I had already chosen a school and even had the opportunity to visit when I studied abroad the year before that. I was about to marry the man of my dreams who treated me like a princess. I could see my life coming together, and I thought I had my happily ever after. Then, in one moment…it was all gone. A driver wasn’t paying attention. She turned when she shouldn’t have. I never saw her coming as I was crossing the street. I remember bits and pieces. I remember wanting to get off the pavement because I was supposed to get married that weekend. This wasn’t supposed to happen, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let it ruin my plans, but it did. I ended up in the hospital. We had to postpone our wedding. I figured I would be back to normal soon. Only that didn’t happen. I had suffered head trauma. My neck constantly hurt, and it still does. I found myself having trouble reading. I was stuttering and would occasionally have speech problems. I couldn’t type without it looking like a jumbled mess. However, I wasn’t going to let it get the best of me. I started reading any book I could get my hands on…text books, biographies, novels, trashy romance books (which are awesome and underrated by the way). I enrolled in summer classes. I went back to work at my student job and part time job. None of it lasted. By mid fall, I dropped out of all my classes and had to quit my jobs. I also got pregnant shortly after my husband and I got married. We were worried that where we lived wasn’t feasible financially, and we moved near my husband’s family. In just six short months, my fairy tale ended and was replaced with this new reality.
I tried to just go with it. I wanted to be the best mom I could. I did everything with my son. I loved beauty and fashion, so I started selling Mary Kay because I felt like I needed to do something since my dreams of a career went straight down the toilet. I was pretty good at it too, but I ended up quitting because someone tried taking my clients, and I was finding that other consultants where I lived were a little too cutthroat for my tastes. I had another baby and then decided to try being a children’s party planner. I planned other events in college and loved kids, so I figured it would be perfect. It helped me overcome my typing issues. I taught myself how to design websites and do a bit of simple coding. I grew the business. I started a small shop. I became obsessed in trying to make my business grow because I felt I needed validation. I kept so busy that I joked that I didn’t need sleep. I could live on coffee. I may not have gotten my original dream of college, grad school, and then a life of teaching English abroad. Instead, I had a life of planning parties, learning to blog, planning playdates, and eventually taking in international students in hopes to get some sort of fulfillment of my lost dream.
However, it was not to last. I think I knew it was all a little too much when we decided to have a third child. I ended up losing two babies, got severely depressed, and cut my business back to almost nothing. I started to feel like a failure. I felt like my body was a failure too. I got into pin up about that time and got some body confidence back. I started working on putting my mental health back in order. I thought after I had a baby, everything would be great again, and I would start living this new dream of just being a mom. It would all be good. Then I had the baby…
My baby has been the best thing that could have happened to my family. However, it has also been very stressful. My husband worked in the oilfield and was gone a lot. My baby had the WORST colic ever. She did not sleep for the first seven months. I didn’t have a lot of support, and I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind. I couldn’t go to a therapist because I had no one who could watch the kids. I wasn’t sure I wanted to ask my doctor about anti-depressants because I had a bad experience with them once before. I was a mess. In the midst of all that, my husband and I decided to move from the area we were and start a new adventure. Originally, it was so he could try to get into the office of his company. We wanted to all be together, and our baby girl was the catalyst in realizing that our lives as they had been were not working anymore. We found a house, and we thought everything was going well. Heck, the baby was even starting to sleep…sometimes. Then, one day in the middle of June, I felt like a bomb was dropped on me. My husband told me that his company cut his salary. Also he would not be able to get into the office. Basically, we were moving for nothing. I think something just completely broke in me that day. A few days later, I ended up having symptoms of a stroke and ended up in the hospital. There they discovered, it thankfully was not a stroke. However, they found activity stemming from my brain injury years before and a benign cyst on my brain. Since then, I have had speech issues and a stutter from time to time. I am tired a lot, and sometimes I get angry about the whole mess.
We still moved. It has been an adventure, and I look forward to sharing more about that in later posts. I am still angry sometimes. I get frustrated when I can’t get words to come out like they should, or my thoughts become jumbled. I am working on it. I just keep going…I just keep breathing…because that is all I can do. I can hope it will get better. I can make plans for the future, but in the end I know that all my plans can change in the blink of an eye.However, if I want to enjoy life for what it is, I just have to keep breathing.