I have not written here in a long time. The last several months have been in short, chaotic.
This spring, I had another weird relapse type of event. I spent the next few months having cognitive testing and having my primary care doctor do several tests to rule things out. It is all TBI related. I started doing some therapies this summer and spent the summer either at an appointment or waiting to see a specialist.
It has been a rough year. I have been bullied (which I plan on discussing in another post). I spent my summer worrying because I was having memory issues to a point that my doctor was starting to think I might have early dementia brought on by the TBI. I am thankful that my neurologist said that he does not believe that is the case and that he thinks what is going on is treatable. I have struggled with depression, and I was brought really low by all of this. To finish the summer, my father-in-law passed away, and while he was 80, he was a good and stubborn 80. He was the kind of old person that you thought would live forever. This year brought me really low.
I stopped doing pin up shoots. I stopped writing. I stopped trying to find modeling projects. I stopped exercising, which is something I love. I stopped living. I gave up.
Why am I saying all of this? How am I getting to the point of the title of my post? Well, it is like this. I hunkered down. I let all the emotions, pain, and worries get to me. I let it wash over me. Then I realized that I am still here. I am still alive. My neurologist said treatable. While I am going through another mess of dealing with insurance issues, going to new specialists, and still dealing with the problems, I am still alive. I cannot do everything the way I used to be able to, but maybe I really shouldn’t anyways. I used to be the type of person who was so over-scheduled that it was hard to breathe. I rest a lot. I have to. I need to. I should. I am still alive.
Because I am still breathing, I can still live my dreams. I started writing again for my other blog. I am not writing as much, but I gave this one and that one a new look. I have been writing a little here and a little there. If I get tired, I quit and then come back to it. I have been reading and trying to get caught up on blogging techniques and social media so that I can do something I want to do.
I have been taking small projects. I modeled for a boutique this fall. I did a few photo shoots. I submitted stuff to magazines. I did a pop up shop with my business. I am doing another this weekend. It’s not much, but it is a good place to start. Do I wish I could take every project I am offered or see an advertisement for? Of course. However, I know my limits and am living within them because I want to see myself get better. I cannot get better if I am stressed or tired.
Sometimes life happens in a way that makes us scared. Sometimes things happen that screw up our plans and goals so badly that we want to give up, that we can’t see a happy ending, or that we think we cannot obtain our dreams. Don’t give up on your dreams! Re-evaluate them. Start slowly. Start simply and build on that.
I am not positive and full of hope every day. Some days, I still get brought low, but I am working on it.
Taking a break from this blog has also given me new focus on what I want to share with all of you. I am hoping to add a bit more lifestyle as well as beauty and fashion tips and trends. I am also getting back into cosplaying and cons, so I cannot wait to show you what I am working on!
I hope that my blog helps somebody. If you are struggling, know you are not alone. Don’t give up on your dreams!