Considering that this year has been one long roller coaster ride, I shouldn’t have been surprised that I ended up in the ER at the beginning of December with symptoms of a seizure. While perusing social media the last few days, it seems that 2018 came with the determination to take a lot of us …
Do you ever find yourself doing things or simply being a certain way, not because you want to, but because you want to please others? You could be doing it for your parents, family, spouse, or even to fit in a certain circle of friends. To be honest, it is exhausting, and I have come …
*Trigger Warning. Suicide and Mental Illness. Strong. Strong is not a word I would normally use to describe myself. Yet, there it is…written on my mannequin prop from a recent body positive shoot. Even now, as I sit here writing this, I am not sure I am strong enough to tell my tale, but …
When you have a chronic illness or a long-term illness, sometimes it is hard to think about creating goals when you are in pain. Sometimes, it is hard to think about the future when your life revolves around constant pain and very frequent doctor visits. There is a grieving period involved too when your whole entire life changes, and you are unsure about the future or your life’s dreams. I get it. I have been there. I am still sometimes there. However, my goal right now is to move forward from that. I am determined that while some of my dreams in life may not be obtainable anymore, that it is time to be flexible and creative in thinking of ways of getting to experience some of those dreams in some form.
I went to college to study English. My dream was to teach students of other languages. I wanted to travel. I also loved writing and wanted to be a fiction writer. I put that dream aside shortly after my accident when I was struggling to type, and my reading ability was not as strong as before the accident. However, I never gave consideration until years after I started my first blog (back in 2009/2010) that while I am not writing novels, I am writing. Prissy Missy Loves is my newer blog and one that I started about the time of my relapse, but with this blog, I get to explore things that I cannot in my other blog, and between them both, I get to share stories. I get to connect with people on a personal level. It gives me happiness to know that I can still write, even if it is not how I first envisioned. As for writing novels, I am still fairly young. Maybe my time just has not come yet.
When I had my relapse, I had this idea that I was going to finish college and go forward in my career choice. However, considering that I never know what my pain level is going to be when I wake up, and some days I cannot concentrate, cannot do much without pain, and have other issues, I have been frustrated and deep down, I think that my dream of this is probably not going to ever happen the way I wanted. However, I started looking at other options. I could finish my degree online. It might take a while, but I could work with my body and issues and make it work. I also recently discovered that there are tutoring opportunities that I can do from home on the computer. The whole idea is so exciting and something I never considered. Again, it is not my original dream, but being flexible in the form can help me obtain that dream.
Being flexible is also giving me the opportunity to explore possibilities that I never thought would happen. When I was a little girl, I wanted to model. I was short, and I was chubby. The whole idea seemed totally and utterly unreachable. And yet, here I am. I am not, nor will I ever most likely be a supermodel. However, I get to model for small boutiques. Right now, I cannot do as much as I would like, but when I see an opportunity that can work for me right now, I take it. It may never bring me lots of money, but it is so much fun, and it has been a huge confidence boost too!
The point I am trying to make here is that when you are starting to get frustrated with everything that has gone wrong and all you have had to give up, take a moment to see how you can change things to still make it work for you. Also try to put things into perspective. My big thing is that I have started to remind myself that I am still fairly young. While my issues may prevent me from my original plans, there is no reason that I have to give up on life or all my dreams. I just need to modify them to fit the situation. It is not perfect, but doing this can give you a better outlook. Having a more positive outlook can affect the way you live your life. You deserve to be happy. Just because you are stuck with an illness or condition does not mean that it has to define you as a person. Be flexible and as always, be gentle with yourself!
I have not written here in a long time. The last several months have been in short, chaotic.
This spring, I had another weird relapse type of event. I spent the next few months having cognitive testing and having my primary care doctor do several tests to rule things out. It is all TBI related. I started doing some therapies this summer and spent the summer either at an appointment or waiting to see a specialist.
It has been a rough year. I have been bullied (which I plan on discussing in another post). I spent my summer worrying because I was having memory issues to a point that my doctor was starting to think I might have early dementia brought on by the TBI. I am thankful that my neurologist said that he does not believe that is the case and that he thinks what is going on is treatable. I have struggled with depression, and I was brought really low by all of this. To finish the summer, my father-in-law passed away, and while he was 80, he was a good and stubborn 80. He was the kind of old person that you thought would live forever. This year brought me really low.
I stopped doing pin up shoots. I stopped writing. I stopped trying to find modeling projects. I stopped exercising, which is something I love. I stopped living. I gave up.
Why am I saying all of this? How am I getting to the point of the title of my post? Well, it is like this. I hunkered down. I let all the emotions, pain, and worries get to me. I let it wash over me. Then I realized that I am still here. I am still alive. My neurologist said treatable. While I am going through another mess of dealing with insurance issues, going to new specialists, and still dealing with the problems, I am still alive. I cannot do everything the way I used to be able to, but maybe I really shouldn’t anyways. I used to be the type of person who was so over-scheduled that it was hard to breathe. I rest a lot. I have to. I need to. I should. I am still alive.
Because I am still breathing, I can still live my dreams. I started writing again for my other blog. I am not writing as much, but I gave this one and that one a new look. I have been writing a little here and a little there. If I get tired, I quit and then come back to it. I have been reading and trying to get caught up on blogging techniques and social media so that I can do something I want to do.
I have been taking small projects. I modeled for a boutique this fall. I did a few photo shoots. I submitted stuff to magazines. I did a pop up shop with my business. I am doing another this weekend. It’s not much, but it is a good place to start. Do I wish I could take every project I am offered or see an advertisement for? Of course. However, I know my limits and am living within them because I want to see myself get better. I cannot get better if I am stressed or tired.
Sometimes life happens in a way that makes us scared. Sometimes things happen that screw up our plans and goals so badly that we want to give up, that we can’t see a happy ending, or that we think we cannot obtain our dreams. Don’t give up on your dreams! Re-evaluate them. Start slowly. Start simply and build on that.
I am not positive and full of hope every day. Some days, I still get brought low, but I am working on it.
Taking a break from this blog has also given me new focus on what I want to share with all of you. I am hoping to add a bit more lifestyle as well as beauty and fashion tips and trends. I am also getting back into cosplaying and cons, so I cannot wait to show you what I am working on!
I hope that my blog helps somebody. If you are struggling, know you are not alone. Don’t give up on your dreams!
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